LOUSY, SH*TTY DAY!

My birthday is coming up, but ever since last year it’s been depressing; not because I turned 30 last year but because my cousin died from a motorcycle accident and was buried the day before my birthday. For the obvious reasons, I didn’t invite THAT many people to my birthday party last year but no one showed up but my husband, daughter and parents. If it were not for the fact that I was turning 30, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered last year. This year the turnout is better but I think it will always be somewhat sorrowful because I will always remember that we said good bye to my cousin the day before. My aunt is also having a BBQ on the same day, so I guess I wouldn’t expect anyone from that side of my family to celebrate my birthday with me (except my parents of course). I wanted to send them something in fact but I feel very broke (so broke I am not asking for any birthday gift this year though there are so many things I want, wish for and like so much). I will also always think how grateful I should be to be able to celebrate the start of another year of life (or a marker to say I’ve made it past the last year to the next year of life).

Work continues to be boring. I am good at my job but it is not my passion (fashion, clothes and accessories are). Above that, I don’t belong to any group and I hate that it’s clique-y here. Not that I would have gone, but everyone else was invited and most went to another co-worker’s BBQ this past Sunday. They also get a birthday cake for everyone’s birthday (everyone except for me that is). I’ve been working here as long as or longer than most of them as well (and I am in the median age of all of them – half of them are younger by as much as 5 years and half are about as much as 5 years older than me). I am sure they know when my birthday is because I always mention it (or bring in my own sweets to share with them and tell them it’s my birthday so I brought treats in). This year I will not bring any treats in. Even though my boss is in that group and I report to him, I’m not part of the group (I do sit a few aisles over and secluded from everyone but that shouldn’t matter). I am the only one NOT in a group (I also hold the one and only position in what I do). Can I wish for a new position (even here, but within a group) that makes as much or even more than I do now? It’s hard, because it’s not like I can do any extra towards my career due to commuting and time constraints (it’s too costly to drive to work, especially with my gas guzzler…the one that wouldn’t shut up this morning even pressing the panic to make it stop, but then it’s always been that I can press the button to make it go off and I’d have to be almost on top of the car to make it stop). Today will be extra busy with the month-end close, so I guess I need to focus a bit better.